March 17th, 2008

(no subject)

I accidentally made a cake on Saturday evening. I'm shocked, I tell you. It was quite nice. I need to learn how to do the icing business and then I can make a cake for timeplease's birthday.

Bab5 continues. We watched Parliament of Dreams, Mind War and The War Prayer on Wednesday, three solid episodes. And The Sky Full Of Stars and Deathwalker coming up this Wednesday.

This news story amuses me - East Midlands Trains staff are to be issued with - I quote - "atomic watches" - which are "accurate to the second"!. I will brave the possibility of chronometric radiation poisoning at the weekend when I go visit parents for Easter. I am probably returning on Easter Monday, so I will miss Sunday games.

(no subject)

so. i am 29 this year. compared to where i was 10 years ago, i have changed a lot. i am a fully functioning adult human being with a job and a flat and friends and everything. this is good.

i have not ever been in a relationship/dated anyone. as an abstract concept this doesn't particularly upset me. i am, as noted above, a self-sufficient independent person. i can appreciate the argument that having had no relationships is better than having had bad ones. and y'know, if that was the end of the matter i don't think i'd be unhappy. but it's not.

because every so often someone makes the mistake of being nice to me. and i get painfully infatuated. and i then get rejected. and then i feel like shit for a few months, and then it happens again with someone else. i would like this to stop happening. if it could stop happening by someone actually liking me for a change this would be nice. it doesn't seem very likely though, does it?

people tell me they have no idea why people aren't interested in me, but that they are sure it is just coincidence. i don't believe that. there are clearly influencing factors. i am very worried that i'm missing huge chunks of appropriate human behaviour in my socialisation (i ought to have learned all this in my late teens/early 20s, when i was otherwise occupied), and this is just an area of life which will remain forever closed to me. this idea upsets me, because what little of it i have experienced i liked. i would like to have hope, but hope has caused pain.

i am left confused and upset.

  • what is wrong with me?
  • are people not interested in me because they assume i am happily single?
  • are people not interested in me because they assume there must be something wrong with me?
  • are in fact people interested in me and i am not noticing it? (note: if so please tell me)
  • should i make effort to meet more new people?
  • wouldn't it be better just to go and hide?
  • am i just hanging out in the wrong social circle to meet people who might be interested in me?
  • given how bad i am at dealing with rejection anyway, wouldn't it be a really terrible idea for me to put myself in a situation with even more potential for that?

in conclusion: argh. answers, suggestions and proposals welcome.